"Madness"

It makes me wonder if some of  my "madness" is tightly knotted to the predominant absence of male figures in my life.


I've thought that for many man-woman relationships to work, both of them needed to have seen examples of behaviors. Examples from were to draw role expectations from. And, as you grow and are watching these interactions on a pretty much daily basis (given you had a mom and a dad) then eventually you become wired for the job. You grow thinking you know how it works. You understand basic behaviors which correspond to each part of the relationship. And, it is important to show you know- it actually shows as "confidence". So, confidence becomes a look that shines out of people who feel secure... Secure because they already got schooled/wired into their "expected" roles.


Well, that's a beautiful story for a man and a woman who both come from the same confident spot.


But, when you get individuals like me...


Well, what the heck do you know what's expected?


I probably choose what I think is most advantageous to my survival or it takes me forever to make a decision (without pre-wiring I have to think harder and pray about what'll I do); I cannot choose from what I have been pre-wired-to-be list. So it becomes very confusing to those confident souls who try to understand my ever changing nature.


And then, once in a while I get into contact with a man. Like when I was selling snow tires through Craigslit and when one of my male friends (who I actually never see) told me through Facebook he got his heart broken again...


And when I get in slight touch with those aethereal creatures :) I think my nature tries to straight-fix my wires into what maybe should've been, maybe I even become a bit more "confident".