He Paid the Bill

I haven't written for a while. I only write when life gives me long enough resting times... A week into my Christmas Break; I'm not quite recovered, but definitely better than a week ago. Even though my mind is still recovering from a semester of teaching ESL and Spanish, I do have to write about this...

I had the unlikely blessing of having been invited by an important, well-known pastor's wife to a Christmas dinner. She is also the leader -in spite of some previous members' disapproval- of our dance ministry. I'm so glad God sent her to lead the dance ministry; I feel so humbled she asked me to be a part of the teaching team. I took it as an honor to had been invited to this dinner.

The dinner was wonderful and I was ready to pay my bill, but I didn't get to pay the bill, neither did the others... The pastor stepped up and paid the full bill!!! He didn't only pay, he also prayed over all of us present there.

I remembered this blog and said to myself: "There's a real man!!"

Struggle, struggle
I asked: Is it over? Is it better now?
I asked: Can I have better?

Some people want the best
I never got that
Just wanted better

Have I got it all messed up?
or, did someone want to mess me up?
I don't see it all messed up -not right now- though
there's still hope

But, her
what to do?

Any common desire
dead
Any ordinary thought
destroyed

How to live that way
I didn't know

But, for her
I will try

I will embrace a new way of life
even more quiet
more giving

sorry world
less struggle
it is over
only better

for them
for me

So lucky to have several great students this year.
So happy for the hope that good people bring.

I wanted everything to be easier,
buy every step is necessary.

I still want things to be easier,
but realize I'm not to choose.

I want God to guide me, and many times
I'm not sure which way to go.

I wish an angel would tell me what it is I'm to do
when I'm not sure. Though even when I think I'm sure -I go wrong...

Meanwhile, I just try my best.
I keep fighting for what I believe in.

So lucky there's good people out there.
So lucky it's Saturday.

NO SOY, NO GLUTEN, NO DAIRY, NO MAN

I don't write to depress or bring down anyone with my "lifestyle". I do hope that if there are other women out there that have found themselves living a man-void life, that we somehow connect. And, if there are men out there who find what I write 'interesting' or 'mind-opening' that they can too add maybe some insight.

But...I am going to let you know I have stomach 'issues'. So, today I decided to have my morning coffee with my daughter's soy milk (I ran out of my almond milk). You can guess why I have to drink almond milk...yes, some kind of lactose intolerance. So, you can guess what happened. I have been feeling that I also might have 'issues' with soy...not funny.

I weighed myself yesterday morning and the scale showed a little less than 115 lbs. I remember when once about a year ago I couldn't make more than 108 and decided to have the biggest pumpkin pancake plate at IHOP. (It's difficult to find what to eat when you have intolerances...you know).

Well...the soy did it and I had to sit sadly at the toilet...sorry -that's not nice to admit. :/

I went to Greenstar in hopes of finding something REALLY safe for my stomach and saw this Udi's pizza and my heart beated happily. No soy, no gluten, no dairy...and what Udi's doesn't know...

no man...

So, I took my frozen pizza home and thanks to Udi's (I hope they have a male chef in their Colorado center), enjoyed my pizza by myself!

Not depressing at all! My heart and stomach where completely happy. So happy I wanted to tell the world -so I'm telling...

:)

"Madness"

It makes me wonder if some of  my "madness" is tightly knotted to the predominant absence of male figures in my life.


I've thought that for many man-woman relationships to work, both of them needed to have seen examples of behaviors. Examples from were to draw role expectations from. And, as you grow and are watching these interactions on a pretty much daily basis (given you had a mom and a dad) then eventually you become wired for the job. You grow thinking you know how it works. You understand basic behaviors which correspond to each part of the relationship. And, it is important to show you know- it actually shows as "confidence". So, confidence becomes a look that shines out of people who feel secure... Secure because they already got schooled/wired into their "expected" roles.


Well, that's a beautiful story for a man and a woman who both come from the same confident spot.


But, when you get individuals like me...


Well, what the heck do you know what's expected?


I probably choose what I think is most advantageous to my survival or it takes me forever to make a decision (without pre-wiring I have to think harder and pray about what'll I do); I cannot choose from what I have been pre-wired-to-be list. So it becomes very confusing to those confident souls who try to understand my ever changing nature.


And then, once in a while I get into contact with a man. Like when I was selling snow tires through Craigslit and when one of my male friends (who I actually never see) told me through Facebook he got his heart broken again...


And when I get in slight touch with those aethereal creatures :) I think my nature tries to straight-fix my wires into what maybe should've been, maybe I even become a bit more "confident".

At Church

They were there at church (men).
From my point of view, that's pretty cool.
In the row in front of me- a young father, just him and his baby.
About three seats to my right, a husband, a grandfather, who I'm lucky is also my neighbor.

They will probably never know their impact in my life.

My dad never took me to church.
The "churchy" man, who was my husband, didn't really know God then.
No man from my immediate family next to me.

But, those other men where there, and I saw them, and it gave me HOPE for others.

They will probably never know their impact in my life.

They help me believe there are brave men out there who believe in God and stand up for love and truth.

He Chose Another One

His heart I thought I could win

My heart he would want to reside in

I misled him with my weakness

How many of us also have?

What was tried, treasured, and learned for me

Was just casual and ordinary for him

A broken heart and emptiness in me

to forever not forget

A fleeting moment for him,

A stumbling block for his plans

For me, a chance to get to know him
A trap for sure, he thought it was

The most sacred of all feelings

Trashed as just fun and exchanged for convenience

Who/what to blame, though

None truly knew then...

Ignorance stands as winner

And as it laughs it rips our hearts

Only the hope that it'll all be well remains

How to forget what was and no longer is

Because he who was first mine

left and chose another one...